[It takes a moment--a sinking moment, where the world seems to be tipping on its side--for the words to process. She could have written this at a particular point in time, that's the disorienting, nauseating part. To be on the receiving end inspires a feeling she can't name, a mix of dread and muted fear and burning curiosity for who. And what. And how.
She could ask. She could ask all of those things, and she wants to. But it dawns on her that if she had written this on the day of Clay's accident, and all of the awful things since--would she have answered? It's a disconcerting feeling, having a foot on either side of the line.
She chews her lip. She debates. Tries to move at Laura's pace and express she'd rather have her here than elsewhere without hanging it on the expectation of a rapid-fire interrogation.]
Okay. You don't have to stay away from the house to avoid getting grilled. We don't have to get into it.
[Today. Later... is a different thing. But today, no.]
Just because you can heal doesn't mean you can't be hurt.
[Like father, like daughter. Laura seems to have inherited Logan's strengths, as well as his adult-sized guilt and morbid way of thinking about his mortality.]
You said it was an accident, right? So it was an accident.
[A way of saying I believe that you didn't mean to. Real threats don't feel bad about what they do.]
[She'd made Logan promise not to tell anyone about her abilities--and as far as she knows, he'd kept that promise--and so the story of how Henry and Logan had got on together before River and Laura arrived had enough stories of Henry cleaning blood off a banged up Wolverine to paint a picture of their unconventional co-habitation, but just vague enough for no real explanation for why one wall in the kitchen is mismatched and newer than the rest.
She'd hurt Logan without meaning to and felt sick about it to this day. And she'd wondered the same thing--didn't he worry about what she could do to him? Still, he'd lived with her.
She has to swallow a hard and spiny lump.]
Meaning you weren't trying to do it. So I think if you want to talk about it, you should come back and tell me what happened and if they come after you or whatever, we can figure something out.
[Does that answer that? She fears Laura less than for her. She is her. If she condemned Laura, she'd have to condemn herself.
You're a goddamn monster. I'm going to tell everyone, I'm going to fucking tell everyone what you did to me. An echo of words, in someone else's voice.
No. Nothing's that black-and-white. No one chooses this. Laura, especially, didn't choose. No one even gave her the time to make one.]
Like I said before, we're alike. I've thought the same thing.
[Could a Wolverine regrow half their body? It's laughable how fucked up they are.]
I wasn't trying to when I did it, but I've hurt people, too, and some of them died. Doing a bad thing doesn't make you a bad person. You didn't ask to have a bunch of metal stuck to your hands and feet. Sometimes things happen and you didn't mean it. I know that.
[An eleven-year-old girl shouldn't be so worried about her. The image of her as an innocent, harmless victim Laura can feel guilty about is a lie--it's been a lie all these months.]
[Laura lets Henry continue on — just scrolls through her texts and eyes them with a sort of growing surprise in the crease of her once anxious brow. It wrenches free some of the vulnerabilities and truths she'd offered not so long ago at a kitchen table, when the girls were unsure of their positions in the household around one another.
Why not be honest with the girl?
She knows more than most, after all.]
I fell asleep on the couch, and I had a nightmare. They were trying to just wake me up. And I stabbed them.
[What did Henry do, to kill people?
She cannot help but wonder... but she wouldn't pry. She knows what it's like, to have those deep dark secrets.]
[Her confession, meant as an offering to show that the younger girl doesn't have to worry about distancing herself like some kind of mutant leper, earns her another nugget of information.
What couch would Laura be sleeping on that isn't this couch? And whose? That's the first confused thought to cross her mind. It comes as a surprise; she didn't know Laura had a selection of couches to crash on. But then, she's never tried to be Laura's keeper, in the sense of policing how the girl comes and goes. At the end of the day, Laura's abilities means she's safer than most people. That's always been the truth.]
You want me to chew you out for not being able to control what you did in your sleep? I'm not going to.
No, I They needed treatment there. They would have bled too fast. I cauterized it, he wanted it to be cauterized. I called someone he knew to help him.
Was not taking him a mistake?
[She knew to take Logan to a doctor. Did she mess this up worse by not doing that very thing...? But she's not so sure she could step into a real hospital, not when there are men in familiar white coats there. Not when it was the source of horrible pain for a lot of people, when the sinkhole opened up.
But was it the wrong choice?
She worries at her lip 'til it bleeds, thinking about it where she stands.]
[Hold on, let's pause this guilt train for a sec.]
You CAUTERIZED it? You know what that word means in English? Cauterized, as in you burned it closed?
[Ew, ew, ew, oh my god, why....... She has to remind herself Laura doesn't see things the way she sees them, doesn't have the context or the understanding for it.]
[She wasn't going to ask, she really wasn't, but that was before cauterization entered the conversation. Lock that shit down, Henry, that sounded an awful lot like a mom voice.]
Forget it. If he didn't want to go to the hospital, that's his deal. All that matter is you're okay and you did what you could.
Is he going to be a problem?
[This nebulous "he" is the victim on paper, but so was Clay once upon a time. Knowing what she can do, he'd ruin her if he had a chance. She's cynical enough to fear the same now.]
yELLS
She could ask. She could ask all of those things, and she wants to. But it dawns on her that if she had written this on the day of Clay's accident, and all of the awful things since--would she have answered? It's a disconcerting feeling, having a foot on either side of the line.
She chews her lip. She debates. Tries to move at Laura's pace and express she'd rather have her here than elsewhere without hanging it on the expectation of a rapid-fire interrogation.]
Okay. You don't have to stay away from the house to avoid getting grilled. We don't have to get into it.
[Today. Later... is a different thing. But today, no.]
Are YOU okay? Like physically.
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It is not that I worry about talking.
I do not
feel like trusting myself around people.
[She not so suddenly feels like a threat to people. Like a weapon that might go off by accident.
It's... not a feeling she wants, but it's one she deserves right now.]
no subject
[Like father, like daughter. Laura seems to have inherited Logan's strengths, as well as his adult-sized guilt and morbid way of thinking about his mortality.]
You said it was an accident, right? So it was an accident.
[A way of saying I believe that you didn't mean to. Real threats don't feel bad about what they do.]
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You aren't worried for yourself?
You let me live with you, but I could hurt you, too.
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She'd hurt Logan without meaning to and felt sick about it to this day. And she'd wondered the same thing--didn't he worry about what she could do to him? Still, he'd lived with her.
She has to swallow a hard and spiny lump.]
Meaning you weren't trying to do it. So I think if you want to talk about it, you should come back and tell me what happened and if they come after you or whatever, we can figure something out.
[Does that answer that? She fears Laura less than for her. She is her. If she condemned Laura, she'd have to condemn herself.
You're a goddamn monster. I'm going to tell everyone, I'm going to fucking tell everyone what you did to me. An echo of words, in someone else's voice.
No. Nothing's that black-and-white. No one chooses this. Laura, especially, didn't choose. No one even gave her the time to make one.]
Like I said before, we're alike. I've thought the same thing.
[Could a Wolverine regrow half their body? It's laughable how fucked up they are.]
I wasn't trying to when I did it, but I've hurt people, too, and some of them died. Doing a bad thing doesn't make you a bad person. You didn't ask to have a bunch of metal stuck to your hands and feet. Sometimes things happen and you didn't mean it. I know that.
[An eleven-year-old girl shouldn't be so worried about her. The image of her as an innocent, harmless victim Laura can feel guilty about is a lie--it's been a lie all these months.]
no subject
Why not be honest with the girl?
She knows more than most, after all.]
I fell asleep on the couch,
and I had a nightmare. They were trying to just wake me up.
And I stabbed them.
[What did Henry do, to kill people?
She cannot help but wonder... but she wouldn't pry. She knows what it's like, to have those deep dark secrets.]
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What couch would Laura be sleeping on that isn't this couch? And whose? That's the first confused thought to cross her mind. It comes as a surprise; she didn't know Laura had a selection of couches to crash on. But then, she's never tried to be Laura's keeper, in the sense of policing how the girl comes and goes. At the end of the day, Laura's abilities means she's safer than most people. That's always been the truth.]
You want me to chew you out for not being able to control what you did in your sleep? I'm not going to.
Did they make it to the hospital?
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They needed treatment there. They would have bled too fast.
I cauterized it, he wanted it to be cauterized.
I called someone he knew to help him.
Was not taking him a mistake?
[She knew to take Logan to a doctor. Did she mess this up worse by not doing that very thing...? But she's not so sure she could step into a real hospital, not when there are men in familiar white coats there. Not when it was the source of horrible pain for a lot of people, when the sinkhole opened up.
But was it the wrong choice?
She worries at her lip 'til it bleeds, thinking about it where she stands.]
no subject
You CAUTERIZED it? You know what that word means in English? Cauterized, as in you burned it closed?
[Ew, ew, ew, oh my god, why....... She has to remind herself Laura doesn't see things the way she sees them, doesn't have the context or the understanding for it.]
Not if they didn't want to go.
[But still. This is some Die Hard shit.]
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I did not want him to have to.
It was important for me to do it, anyway.
I hurt him already. But then I could hurt him to fix him.
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[She wasn't going to ask, she really wasn't, but that was before cauterization entered the conversation. Lock that shit down, Henry, that sounded an awful lot like a mom voice.]
Forget it. If he didn't want to go to the hospital, that's his deal. All that matter is you're okay and you did what you could.
Is he going to be a problem?
[This nebulous "he" is the victim on paper, but so was Clay once upon a time. Knowing what she can do, he'd ruin her if he had a chance. She's cynical enough to fear the same now.]
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No, I don't think he is.
If anything, I think I might be.
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[End of story.]
So what, you're going to go live on a roof because you're afraid you're going to hurt someone in your sleep? Not much of a plan.
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He did not seem to care like I was worried he would.
I'm not sure what my plan is. I have not had to have many, in my life.
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Not hurting yourself is a start. Like on the roof. Tell me you won't do that.
And maybe don't stick your claws in open flames, either.
[Cauterizing stab wounds. Jesus.]
cw talk of self-harm jic
But I can promise that I will try to be better.
I am trying to be.
I mostly hurt myself when I am angry.
I've been trying to be less angry.
child, pls
[But--]
I know you're trying. I probably don't say this enough, but you're doing good. Better than you were.
Tonight doesn't change that.
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... But I know what you are saying.
I would like
to continue to try and do better.
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Yeah, except you also seem to treat yourself like a wall at times.
You can. It just takes time, I guess. [Time she'd be a hypocrite not to give Laura right now.] Should I bother waiting up for you?
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I will appear again. When it's... easier to handle, in my head. I promise.
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[Wrong superhero franchise, but the brooding temperament? Got that down pat. Not that she's one to deny someone their personal space.]
While you're busy trying, try not to fall asleep in a tree or whatever. I don't need anyone thinking I kicked you on the streets.
[That is to say, there's still a Laura-sized bed with her name on it when she's ready.]